that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She's the barista slut.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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