I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
