I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
