you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I pour the whiskey from now on
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