I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
