just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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