Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
