Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
