The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Who died my cat blue again?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
