I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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