I look better un-naked...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
