my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
