So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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