Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
