I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
