My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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