Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
