i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
