My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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