Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
