Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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