if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
