Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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