so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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