im having a threesome with these popsicles
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize