Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
