I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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