the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
