Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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