when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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