I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
