Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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