She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
