I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
