I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
