My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
