my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
