I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
