mondays should just be called national damage control day
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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