I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i dont even know how to be here
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
