he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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