Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
