There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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