if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
