I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
