What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
