I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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