Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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