Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
