well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
