The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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