hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
