He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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