90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
