Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
