You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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