I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
