Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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