Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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