my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
