There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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